Sunday, 4 January 2009

I love you dad

In 4 hours time it will be 22 years exactly since my dad passed away...This year is the first one i can recall where the anniversary of his passing has been fallen on the same day of the week as the one he passed away on...Sunday Jan 4th 1987 at 5am in the morning and i still remember it vividly...I still miss my dad very much and i so wish he was still here...Dad had some very rare disease that i can't remember the name of now...He'd had it for the last 2 years of his life and it affected all his major organs :o( In fact it came to light via both his kidneys failing one weekend...He was on dialysis for the last 2 years of his life...He was on a type called CAPD (i think) that meant he got it at home and administered it himself...But if it wasn't working properly or he got an infection he had to go in hospital to be put on the machines...The last year of his life he spent more time in hospital through here in the city than he did at home :o( That meant i got to see more of him though and we became even closer...He would tell me off for going up to visit him every night and said i didn't need to...Well he was right i didn't NEED to i WANTED to...I did relent and didn't always go up but that was rare...The last time he was rushed into hospital i was home for the weekend...One of my cousins was getting married and i got a bus from work to the village where he was getting married to go to the dance at night...I found out there that my mum and my brother and my older sis and her hubby had been trying to get dad to go to hospital but he wouldn't...He wasn't at the wedding as he was too poorly to go...The next day was a sunday and when i got up i went through to say hi to dad...We spent a short time chatting and then he asked me to get them to phone for the doctor...To this day i am totally convinced that dad knew he wouldn't come out of hospital alive that time...Also that because i was going to be at home for the first time in ages he was waiting to see me at home before he would go to hospital...That was at the end of nov and by christmas time it was obvious he wouldn't be home for a while...I went home for new year that year and mum gave me a lift back in for my work on the sat...She went to visit dad and spent all morning and most of the afternoon with him...I didn't know that whilst mum was in he was put on the machine for dialysis...My best friend from school was staying with me that saturday night...Her mum had been in major bad car crash just before the christmas and she was going to visit her mum...The next day she was getting a flight back to london (where she lives) at 7.30am...We both went up to the hospital but i didn't spend much time with dad that evening :o( He was hooked up to the machine on dialysis and for all the world looked sound asleep...I got no response out of him and couldn't find a doctor or nurse...Not that it was unusual so i just went downstairs to the lobby to wait for my friend...Thing is i was upset and i felt weird and couldn't explain why...I briefly wondered about phoning my mum and family to say i didn't think dad was right but i decided not to worry them at night...Besides mum had been in during the day and well she'd have said if anything was up i thought...So me and my friend go back to my flat at the time and have a few drinks and a natter and watch some telly and go to bed reasonably early for getting up on the sunday morning...I had my alarm set for 6.30am but i woke up at 4.55am...I looked at the clock and remember that time vividly but shrugged it off as waking up early for the alarm...Then i felt someone in my room with me and it was a strange feeling but a peaceful sensation...I looked at the clock and it said 5am...I knew that my dad was in the room with me and he was saying goodbye...I'd had a fitful sleep up until that point and i fell asleep deeply and my alarm awoke me with a jolt at the time it was meant to...My friend got on her taxi for the airport but i was wide awake...The phone went at 8am and i knew before i answered it that it was mum and i knew what she was going to tell me so i sat in the floor...I picked up the phone and startled her by saying hi mum, she told me to sit down and asked if my uncle (the one who lives in same city as me) had been round...I told her no but i knew what she was about to tell me and when she asked what i said dad has died...She told me the time that the hospital had told her it had happened at and it was 5am...The time i felt him with me in my room saying goodbye.

It took me weeks to get used to not going up to visit him in hospital...I would find myself stood at the bus stop waiting for the bus that goes that way...When all the family went up to the dialysis unit to hand over a cheque my little sis couldn't face going in...She stayed outside the doors with a nurse...When the sister asked how we were all coping my big sis said she didn't think it had hit them yet as he had spent so little time at home that last year...At which point i blurted out it had hit me as i was always up there and ran out in tears...I gave birth to kerry the oct following dads passing away...I have said plenty times on my journal that i didn't know i was pregnant what i haven't said is am utterly convinced my dad sent her to me...I was on the pill when i fell pregnant with her and the gynecologist and midwife blamed the pill failing on me being in an emotional upheaval cos of dad...Doesn't matter because i still reckon he sent her to help me to heal.

I miss my dad big time...I was always more of a daddys girl...I wanted to be just like my dad and become a fisherman working on a seine net trawler just like him...If you are watching form above i LOVE you dad and always will and that love will never diminish.


Stuart said...

Catching up Caff.
I am sure you are right about your Dad knowing. Seems folk often know. I envy you that kind of relationship with your Dad one that I never had.

Sara said...

Oh Caff... no words, just a big ((( hug ))).

Sandra said...

Oh Caff, what a sad time for you. I`m sure you Dad sent your daughter to you to give you a new focus to your life. I was a daddy`s girl too and I still miss mine after almost 25 yrs...I can`t believe I was only 32 at the time. Thinking of you.

Love and Hugs

Sandra xxxx

Jmoqueen said...

(((((((((hugs))))))))) that is such a sad story. Thank you for sharing it with us, thinking of you x

Denise said...

{{{{hugs }}}} Caff